Friday, July 15, 2011

Debuts and Mishaps

This is a late post on an event in my life that I think is quite important and yet, I didn't do it right. I have been thinking for most parts of my life that debuts or that certain point where a girl becomes a woman and is finally shown into the world with beauty and elegance. That thought scared the living shit out of me. I am not the pretty, stereotypical beauty that society wants. I am an ugly duck that would be great to be cooked as a Peking duck. Do you get me? I am also scared that people might not come to my debut. I have issues like that you know. I feel so small and insignificant that I just can't be confident enough. I always second-guess myself and think that I am not enough or just not worth it. For those of you who know me personally, this might be a bit of surprise, but it's the truth. I am insecure.

Moving on, I didn't have a debut and if you read my previous post about how my birthday celebration went with my relatives then you know what had happened then. Up to now I still can't get over the fact that they had done something like that to me. I was disappointed at the same time regretful that I even thought of sharing that day with them. It was just very disappointing. And so, I made a resolution with myself that I would only be concerned with people that are concerned of me and not just some pretentious stuck ups that don't think of any one else but themselves. With that said, I decided long ago that I would spend some quality time with my friends and I thought that that would've been awesome but I guess I was wrong. I hadn't foreseen the circumstances of procrastinating on the reservations and on the vouchers themselves. I'm destined to doom. I don't have the vouchers but I paid for it already. I haven't reserved or inquired in the venue we're going to and I'm just plain old fucked up. I am stressed by this and not only this. This year is just one hell of a fucked up year.

I hate being 18. I hate getting older but still think like  fucking 12 year old. I hate not doing this traditionally and I hate regretting every decision I make because I know most of them are mistakes that made my life shit. From that first Barbie doll that I killed to those times when I made my mother cry. I was cursed by the world and now, it's payback time for them. Fuck.


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