Saturday, January 01, 2011

Two-Year Hike

Within 3 months and 10 days, me and my boyfriend will officially be 2-years as a couple and I can’t even describe how I’m feeling. I’m happy that after such a long time of searching for love, I’ve actually found it in his arms. I’ve been fighting for our love each day that goes by and I think it’s weighing down on me. I can see myself in the future with him, yes, but for how long can we keep up on this?


I mean, how long can we possibly lie and deceit other people especially my parents that we’re not together anymore and that we’re not doing anything wrong. I’m tired of all the fights that we have because of our situation and the times that I don’t want to be part of all of this. I’m not sure if I’m losing my interest on us or maybe I’m losing interest on what has been happening to us. I feel so stuck and caught up that I can’t seem to enjoy the world like a regular 17-turning-18-year old teen. I’m just tired of it all.


I think I do still love him. I think I do still care for what might happen to us. But I think the problem is that, I’m becoming more and more aware of the things we had and I think what we had was so wrong. What we’re having now is even more wrong. I can’t let my heart fight against my mind but I think my mind’s winning this time around. I’m thinking of breaking up with him and live my life the way I want it to be, FEARLESS Free. But I can’t let go of him. I can’t let go what I feel for him. I may be stupid or stubborn but I just can’t.


It’s hard to fight for something that makes you feel so complete and yet so alone. Whenever I was with him before I felt like everything was gonna be okay, but now I don’t even know. I don’t think I can ever look over the fact that because of our relationship I might lose what’s left of my connection with my mother. I’m finding our relationship more and more bothersome than before. I think it’s me, but sometimes I think it’s him. I think the way we changed through the time period that we were together was the cause why I’m being like this.


I mean, before he was chill and laid back but now he constantly suffocates me and tries to tie me down so fast. I want to enjoy my life and I’m frustrated that he can’t understand that I need space. He can’t see that when we met each other he had already experienced the world I want to experience now. He can’t seem to see that I needed space for myself to grow, to make mistakes, to be a person I want to be. I guess that’s the difference with an age gap between lovers but I just can’t get over the fact that sometimes I’m more mature when it comes to making decisions than him. He makes it hard for me to be mature when he constantly wants to elope, and all those fucked up things only self-centered couples do. I’m just really tired of it all. Really tired.


Sorry for ranting and the long post. You can go back to scrolling down now. :)


xxx
Renee

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Kisses,
Renee ♥

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